I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
