ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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