Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
