My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
ok first of all what the fuck
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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