i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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