You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
we should paint friendship bongs
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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