we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
