I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
