my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
