omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
