are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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