then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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