Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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