i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
