Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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