When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize