whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
