the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
