I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
