I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
