Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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