I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
