I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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