Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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