you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
