I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
