God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
