I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
