Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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