You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
