PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
