Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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