Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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