Cold hands, warm shart.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
