We won't sleep together?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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