I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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