$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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