What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
