this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
