6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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