well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
