Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize