Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
