I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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