I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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