The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Randomize