I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
