and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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