I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
