I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
