never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
