I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
