i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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