K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
