Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
