I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
