So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize