Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
